Small breaks, Big fun.

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I have been so busy over the last three weekends that I had no time whatsoever to sit down and write. The great thing is that this time, I feel I have been busy doing things which make me really happy! Sunday afternoons of mine are generally spent moping about the loss of a promising weekend which turned out be finally the same combination of grocery shopping, spring cleaning (eternally through spring, summer and winter!) cooking and keeping things ready for the next long week, all done in different order every week to allay boredom! The last few weekends have effectively changed that!

My perception of a holiday was to go to on a long vacation. Small breaks used to put me off, because the time taken to prepare for a holiday would seem to be too much in comparison to the holiday I actually took. This, keeping in mind packing extensively and intensively for my kids, especially my younger one, who is quite finicky about her food! (that, with me being extremely finicky that she eats well!).

As a kid,I used to read and fantasize about picnics on river banks with a variety of fancy sounding food (courtesy Enid Blyton), trekking and exploring unknown places, not knowing that I would get to realize this dream close to my middle age! I have always found rivers and mountains fascinating. Images of misty mountains, sparkling streams, gurgling brooks, a house in the middle of long pine trees and forests make me go into a state of dreamy stupor. Therefore it was great to discover many such places so close to my home town which I had not explored.

The first experimental weekend started with a long drive on the banks of River Tunga on to a small hamlet called Keregade about 70 kms from home. The riverside was clean, unpolluted and had a makeshift, scary but surprisingly steady launch boat to take us to the other side of the river. The afternoon was sunny, bright and perfectly picnicky. We walked along the banks of the river, explored, went on a trek, listened to forest sounds and found footprint fossils of unknown animals. I had almost forgotten how good silence felt and how soothing was the sound of water, gently lapping the bank. The picnic we had was the icing on the cake! Home made bhel, cakes, juice, fruits and chips never tasted so good. We came back super charged and raring to go back to work.

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So great was this euphoria, that we ventured a little further out and reached Chikmagalur, for the next weekend. Chikmagalur is a town famous for its coffee and natural beauty and is situated about 250 Kms away from Bangalore and hardly a two hour drive from Shimoga. Thanks to techies from Bangalore who visit for short weekends, a whole lot of homestays have mushroomed all over the place. The weather is awesome, the route is scenic and green, the air smells of the mountains and to top it all we found a charming little cafe on the way where we ate what seemed like the tastiest noodles ever(I strongly believe that Maggie tastes better when eaten in out of the way places!) and drank yummy smelling coffee. The highlight of our trip was our trek to Mullayanagiri, the highest peak of the Sahyadri range. The mountaintop has a small temple and the view from the top is amazing!

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In the aftermath, a dull, delicious sort of calf pain(from the trek) which persisted the whole week kept reminding me of the weekend. By the time it subsided, we whisked ourselves away to Dandeli in the district of Uttara kannada. We got together with some of our friends to stay in a jungle lodge on the banks of River Kali. Dandeli is famous for river rafting on the rapids. It is also known for its almost untouched forests and its hornbills. The resort is right on the banks of the river and bang in the middle of the forest. For the first time, I realized that doing nothing also takes some effort. In the beginning, there was this unconscious urge to finish some task, call someone, check on something and so on. Gradually, I settled down into a lazy routine of enjoying nature, taking long walks and cool swims, listening to the sway of the trees, watching an early bird get a fish, just looking at the mist raising from the calm river, watching the water glide smoothly over a rock, wondering about how birds maintain an exact formation while flying and basically just BEING.

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Today, I am a super happy soul. Just the memory of these sweet short weekends puts a big smile on my face. They gave me a chance to connect with myself and my kids full time. When we enjoy our work, we forget that, how much ever we do like what we do, our body and our soul need some time to recharge. And that we need to make memories for later. And that we need a change in perspective to start working all over again. So, people, get up, get going. Take a break, have fun and relive!

Let us start a change.

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This morning, our hired help got an emergency call from her daughter’s home. Apparently, there was a tiff between her daughter and son in law, no doubt precipitated by her mother in law,that led to a big war of words. The reason for the fight was that the daughter had returned home a day later than was permitted by the monster in law. My maid was ordered by her son in law to take her daughter back home forever, just like that. And worse, my maid obeyed meekly and begged for forgiveness! My maid’s daughter is all of eighteen, married off 6 months before her birthday, despite all our protests and a very timid, quiet girl. Before her marriage, she would handle all the household responsibilities before going to work herself. She used to work without taking without a day’s off, even on her birthday. And finally agreed to marry a man 10 years her senior, without as much as speaking to him, because her mother told her to. And now this!

In the past few days after “India’s Daughter” was released, I have seen every social media platform, every single TV station, every whatsapp group and every newspaper give enormous publicity to what happened. There have been pro ban messages, anti ban messages, protests held and discussions dissecting every single aspect of the documentary and the attitudes that prevail. I did watch the documentary myself and felt my skin crawl and tears fall freely when the creep ( in the garb of a lawyer) and the accused speak of Jyothi/Nirbhaya almost mechanically. I felt a helpless outrage. And then it remained that way. Because:

  1. I feel that no amount of media coverage may change the harsh ground realities of thousands of millions of faceless, nameless Nirbahyas across our country or the world. The huge mass of humanity which watches these shows and newsreels are those who already seem to have a slightly different, egalitarian and non traditional mental attitude. These are not much the group who needs to change. Change needs to happen in the rural most parts of India, where women’s dignity and independence are still decided by the men of the family. Where women are not individuals, but burdens. Where the society (as Mukesh Kumar’s lawyer aptly put it) has no place for women. No point in just showing them the middle finger. We need to actively change them. But how?? We have “Beti bachao, Beti padhao”in place, but no “Beti ko respect dena bêteko sikhao”anywhere in sight.
  2. The evil mother in law does exist. Those who have different rules for their daughters and different ones for their daughters in law. Those who think and believe that the ‘sun’ rises and sets with their ‘son’, or rather because of him. They shower so much love on their sons that it becomes a sort of emotional debt to repay back that love, by taking sides when there is fight between the mother and the wife! The daughter in law that they themselves sought after the many ‘girl seeing’ sessions, becomes an object of hatred because she tries to tweak the rules of the house a little. A reverse Oedipus complex I would say! It is difficult to be non judgmental about such women and rationalize their bad behavior with many excuses. When we try family counselling in such situations, it feels as though you are smashing your head against a brick wall! And the men of the family at best, look mutely, smile condescending smiles and say “Oh, you know women, what can we do? “, and act as though the whole thing had nothing to do with them!
  3. And the so called myth that ‘Women are women’s worst enemies” seems true to a certain extent. Pick a random case of dowry death, the MIL is almost always the master mind. Pick a case of child marriage, the mother is the one who has ‘counselled’ the daughter that this is what is best for her(as in the case of our maid). Pick any post marital conflict, the mother is the one advising the daughter to go back, so as to avoid the shame society would hoist upon them, lest a daughter comes back to the maternal home in disgrace. Pick any child who has dropped out of school, it is because there was no one to share the mother’s burden of work (it does not occur that the boy can share this burden too!). These are the bitter realities, which we as the middle class have forgotten and brushed under the carpet. We are truly a lucky group of people whose parents changed their attitudes. But for a lot of other women, these painful realities are a part of daily existence, and they come to us as patients of depression, or victims of assault, if they try swimming against the stream.
  4. Finally,us. Most of us did download the controversial video and watched it in horror, a lot of us walked candle light marches, many hosted seminars on the evils occurring to women and many spoke/ wrote about it( including me, by the way), but it did not cause change where it mattered most. When my maid got her daughter married, it was on the tip of my tongue to advice the girl to rebel, and go back to her studies. But I did not. I protested feebly, and then left for her to decide. I feel like telling my abused patients to get the hell out of their abusive marriages and make a life for themselves, but refrain because of my so called professional ethics. When I hear my neighbor beating or scolding his wife in a drunken brawl, I choose to curb my anger, rather than go back there and help bash the living daylights out of him! I am sure most of us are in the same state of helplessness and hence the quantum of people abusing/ disrespecting/ troubling/ and killing women will not subside.

There are too few of us who do and too many of us who keep quiet. Far too many who accept a ‘pedha’ as a sign of happiness when a male baby is born and sweetened puffed rice (almost apologetically) when a girl is born. Too many of us who still believe that with marriage and children only, is a woman’s life complete. Too many of us who do not protest when widows are not given adequate respect at family functions… and so on the list grows.

Changing rules and government policies may work in the long run, but till then we may continue to lose many of our kind. So let us start the change in our everyday lives. Let us not wait for some incident to happen for us to awaken from our stupor. Let us start small, and consistent. Let each one of us make sure that our maids have an education. Let us not watch/allow watching of regressive serials where women are typecast. Let us not hum item songs, because they do objectify women, how much ever they are supposed to be an integral part of the script!

Instead let us show small children inspiring videos of women who have done great work despite their odds, as a part of school curriculum. Let us teach them how to use legislation in case they are harmed. Let them know that they need not swallow abuse just because their marital prospects and family honor may be damaged. Such small things may go a long way in building positive attitudes at a young age. Let us show them that…

The world remade.

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How would I remake the world?

The question makes me quiver with a strange kind of excitement. The anticipation of a power, handed to me on a platter. Like I am the most supreme, and that I have everything under my control. I can twist, tweak, mould and reshape what I want. Oh, what fun! But yes, also an enormous responsibility.

Is it not easy, I ask myself, with one sweep of a wand, to make everything peaceful and perfect? Then life would have no twists and turns, be one straight long road, and life would be one big party. There would be no need of a God to pray to, no police for want of protection, no religion for a feeling of belonging, no nations to feel patriotic about, no movements to fight against discrimination. Sounds so desirable, but is it practical?

The world was meant to be just the way it is. The imperfections, the injustices, the tyrannies of rule and mishaps. I believe that there is a purpose behind everything. And if there is chaos in this world, it is there to teach us something. To keep people moving forward, to mutate, to fit and to survive as evolution meant us to.

One single person in this world changing things would cause a feeling of dissatisfaction to a lot of others. Like a dictatorship. Because that is how we are made. Everything is relative. For every good, there is an evil; for every misfortune, there is a miracle; for every superstition, there is a rationalization and we all know that every human thinks in two radically different ways in any given situation.

If I try to make things better for one person, then I am bound to make someone else dissatisfied. Even terrorism seems to have another point of view, or it would not have survived this long!

So is everything hopeless? Is there nothing we can change? I believe that the change is something buried deep inside of us. This would be the place to target. For humans to understand that they are always not right, that every one step each one of us take can cause myriad ripples in multiple directions and so we must be careful. And that we should learn to care. About ourselves, our fellow beings, our environment and of things beyond that we do not understand as of now.

Caring, a lot of people believe can make us weak. The biggest decisions in this world were made with our heads rather than our hearts. But look where it put us. World wars, communism, the formation of countries, religion, the caste system, gender stereotyping, traditions – all of which were in the first place decided upon rationally to bring a semblance of normalcy to this world. But did they?

Therefore, I beg to differ. I feel that caring is the one thing which makes us strong, gives us foresight and wisdom to change what we can, fight when the need be and sometimes let go of things which cannot be changed. Every social evil, and environmental catastrophe that I can think of could have been changed if we had cared, rather than made-rules!

This I believe is the change the world deserves. So yes, if I could change one thing in this world, I would choose to inculcate the feeling, the thought and the attitude of ‘caring’ into every single soul living on this earth.

Then I would say, may the fittest survive.  This is my world remade.

This post is a part of a competition that I am participating in.

“I am participating in the #TheWorldRemade activity at BlogAdda in association with India Today #Conclave15 “

Rejuvenation!

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Hello everyone.Every once in a while, there comes a time in my life when I suffer from a severe case of “exhaustion block”, diagnosed by the symptoms of extreme sleepiness whenever the computer is switched on and complete blankness of mind at all other times! The past two weeks, hence were used to read, both books and blogs, which sort of recharged my system.

One of the blogs which helped me out of my mental exhaustion is by an Australian called Phoebe(yes, just like the one from friends) called The Little Grey box. (I have not yet mastered the art and the science behind making a blog link open by somehow attaching the link in my blog, so you have to google it if you want!). She writes about travel and inspiration. It is how she writes about really philosophical things in a way that makes you understand what she means to say, that make the blog a good read. When down in the dumps, read Phoebe, has been my mantra the last two weeks!  Then there is a cooking blog or website called the Edible Garden, which opens under the link www.cookingandme.com which gives you really nice recipes which are easy to make and the way the recipes are explained make you feel like as though the writer is speaking to you! So, I have also been trying out recipies in a frenzy!

Apart from this, I read a book called ‘All about Bacteria’ written by an Indian author Ravi Mantha. Got intrigued what someone could write for 230 pages about bacteria under the category of ‘popular’ non fiction. But the book is good. It is about the millions of trillions of bacteria which live in and around us and have been totally misunderstood as beings which out there to make our lives miserable! The book goes on to explain how all bacteria are not pathogens and that we needed quite a few to be healthy too. The bacterial symbiote is based on the premise that humans and bacteria have lived in harmony together for times immemorial, and only a handful of these bacteria cause us illness. Hence, just as a few bad experiences do not put us off the whole human population for good, a few illnesses should not make us believe that all bacteria are bad for us.

When we go through our MBBS degree, we go through a whole subject called microbiology which teaches us all about harmful bacteria and what damage it causes, and side by side we learn pharmacology which is almost manically dedicated to eradicating these pathogens. But nowhere in our training that I remember, were we taught about how to understand our body bacteria and work with them rather than against them for a healthier life! Have developed a new respect for these small creatures after this book (I know I sound weird, but its true!).

Apparently in China, till about a century ago, the village doctors who were given the charge of public health of an entire village, would be paid their monthly salary only if they managed to keep the whole village sickness free for the entire month!  Great concept, right? The doctor hence needs to be a teacher, a community physician who also works a lot towards primary prevention rather than tertiary care. It also describes how the medicine we  currently practice, is now more palliative instead of curative, hence giving rise to more resistant strains of bacteria and newer mutations of the older easier illnesses. The peanut allergy syndromes, the relation between peptic ulcers and obesity, how body defenses work and many more such interesting facts are explained really well.

Remember reading a similar book long ago called ‘The Survival of the Sickest’ written by Dr. Sharon Moalem. This book is all about why we need diseases to survive!  Dr. Atul Gawande is another person whose books make me feel that medicine is all about thinking simple and logical. He makes the most simple statements, but they make such a big difference to the way we function in hospitals. I felt my work exhaustion dissipating and some new energy creeping in!

The aftermath of this was that I got so hyper interested in reading similar books and ordered a whole lot of them online and am waiting desperately for them to arrive! Will keep you posted how they are! Till then, have a happy weekend with your family and your body bacterial symbiotes!!

A confused Indian, hindu, mother, human, me?…

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Let me confess at the outset, that I do not even know whether I am qualified or deep enough to write this piece. My defense is that there may be an equally large number of people out there who feel like me, and are also not completely well read in all matters history, religion or politics. And I also confess that being a mother,  I tend to dwell a lot on the premise of what kind of a world is it that I am letting my children wander into?A world where you have to be scared of belonging to a faith? Or one where you wear it like a badge!I feel it needs to be neither.

This year has been all about a feeling of unease about religion. I have never big on either politics or religion, but this year has pushed me into thinking a lot about it for various reasons. A few to be mentioned are- the recent spate of killings by the ISIS, a few videos that I watched on whatsapp of a close up of beheading done in cold blood in some Arab country, “Aavarana”, a book by S.L. Bhyrappa that I read with mixed feelings, a few statements made by our seers which claimed that Hindu women needed to procreate with greater speed and intensity to save our religion and finally culminating with an experience that I had this afternoon- a ‘Pathasanchalana’- a march of thousands of RSS swayam sevaks held in my hometown.

Growing up, I was brought up in a family which held our country’s values of democracy and secularism in high stead. My home town, though rich in history was not too communal. And the street I lived in had people belonging to almost all religions and caste. Hence, the idea that something really deep could divide us only struck me during the Babri Masjid riots. I remember huddling in my school waiting for someone from home to come and pick me up. I also remember the fear on my Muslim friend’s face during the wait. It was a little more complicated for her. She was waiting to be taken home safely by someone hopefully arriving to pick her safely! After this, there was again a sense of peace which prevailed for the next so many years. Slowly, I pushed these disturbing memories to the remotest corner of my mind.

I have always felt that religion should be something very personal. Something which gives you a sense of peace, a feeling of security and belief that if something goes wrong,the Almighty(with a capital A) was there to protect you. And some place you send your prayers to. But why is it not so simple? Why do people then try to publicize it? Or propagate it? Probably because then you get the power of numbers? And then politics enter into it? And jumble it up further? And make you smile at people and want to stab them in the back at the same time? But still want to stick to the book and pretend to be a pious human being who does no wrong? And so many more questions that I have, which will fetch me more confused answers!

So I decided to read up (at least a little) about what drives these religions. And I came upon Aavarana, a book which sort of describes the history of Islam and the Mughal rule in detail. Lets say that it was not all complimentary to Islam, but the book does claim to have its research done from books written by Mughal rulers themselves. Which is the reason why, we can understand having a right wing which claims to set right these wrongs and protect the Hindus. And we have, in between all this, the British who tried to stay back and rule by dividing the already divided, further! And our politicians, who have tried to cash in on this divide, for votes. Now, how do we ever disentangle this mess?

Reading further and deeper into this topic is guaranteed to make you more and more depressed. There are so many avenues, nuances, dead ends and a general insensitivity which make the situation worse. Where do we start smoothing the creases? And revert back to the basic concept of getting comfort from your choice of faith? Because, now it scares!

Standing on the road today, watching the procession, I was eves dropping on the conversations going on around me. And generally observing everything going on around.Two women discussing the number of ‘holiges’( a sweet preparation) which were cooked for the swayam sevaks’ feast. A fully sozzled guy, trying to clearly voice out ‘vande mataram’. Two girls obviously tickled about his inebriated state and giggling away constantly every time he managed to get it right. A lady trying her best to edge into the front row, using her husband’s paralytic limb as an excuse.  A policeman, trying his best to control an undisciplined crowd.  Swayam sevaks in the march capturing images on their mobile phones. Two boys sitting on roof top, emptying Nandini milk packets on to a huge hoarding of Shivaji! Our grocery store, uncharacteristically being closed owing to the fact that it belonged to a muslim and there was a RSS march going on. Basically, life was going on as usual a midst all the hype about faith. This reassured me, that deep down, all that we want is food, a roof, some security and an opportunity to have some harmless fun.

Abraham Maslow, a psychologist, famously gave his pyramid of hierarchy of needs. The pyramid claims, that unless basic needs of food and security are met, you cannot move on to the next level , and later push yourself on to achieving  self actualization- ‘nirvana’ in the end.

In this respect, we in India, at least vast majority of the population, are still grappling with stage one and two! Then why should we confuse issues, instead of providing for the first two levels?

Why should we inculcate religion like a discipline, rather than teach our children to grow into a faith of their own creation? Based on what is needed for the day, rather than what had happened many hundreds of thousands of years ago? Some place where the need of this day is discussed, rather than vengeance? Where we can discuss religion freely, rather than impose it upon others or worse, behead them?

History tells us about how different faiths have tried to come up each, by putting down the other. Why not make it better now rather than ruffle feathers?We have always been taught that all religions are good. lets now learn to accept the fact that there is some bad too. And move on.

I know that this post contains more questions than answers. It is because these questions have been there for a long while without finding answers that pacify me. And leaving me confused as to what I should be first- a mother who teaches secularism, a hindu (just because I happen to be born one), who upholds ideals dealt out by our seers, an Indian or just simply, plain old me????

An apology to Monali Mahala.

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Monali is the name of the fifteen year old girl who committed suicide in Bengaluru yesterday.She chose to take such a drastic step  because she was suspended from school for inappropriate behavior. The behavior that was so labelled, included apparent PDA with a boy in school whom she was warned against earlier.

Almost every single day in my practice, I see Monalis of varying age groups and backgrounds, but brought for counseling with similar problems. That they were on varying levels of intimacy with boys of questionable reputations, and excessive usage of mobile phones. The parents are angry, defensive and would have tried everything in the book from scolding to physical abuse to emotional blackmail till nothing works and they decide to try counseling as the last resort. Schools take to vigorous punishments, strict rules, dress codes, lectures and seminars proclaiming the importance of our RICH Indian tradition which does not accept such interactions (but by the way, somehow chanced upon the kamasutra!) and many more such ‘disciplinary’ measures.

Whenever I read newspaper reports of such incidents or watch the Breaking News on prime time, I always wonder why we do not try to understand how such drastic rules came to be a part of schools in this age and time? After all, teenage crushes did not originate in this generation, and have been persisting from the time I remember going to school and probably earlier too. And handling such situations should have got better by practice and with time. Just like how we learn to deal with an irritating co worker or a pestering relative. You worry, you try but finally accept and get used to them and hopefully handle them with just the right amount of maturity. Why hasn’t that happened with such situations?

The most common answer that I get for such a question is that children now, are very precocious.That they would not think twice before taking the relationship further(by which I mean, to the physical intimacy level) and lose track of studies. True, but this again is something you have to accept,get used to and change slow and steady. With the right amount of concern and finesse. By trial and error. By guiding rather than pushing. By asking rather than assuming (the worst).Just the way we got used to any new change like the television, internet, cell phones and globalization, which we have no qualms about embracing, but needed trial and error to tell how much of it was just right. Not by bull dozing our concerns as didactic rules.

Whenever I have interacted with  teachers of children with behavioral problems, the primary emotion the most teachers express is one of fear rather than care.Fear that if something goes wrong, the responsibility will land squarely on their shoulders! The reason for this is the change in quite a few parents’ behavior whenever something is not happening as per their expectations. From issues such as not doing well in academics, to having bad friends to falling in love and elopement -all of which become the school’s responsibility. When parents do find fault, then often do it vociferously and drag the media along, who add a generous dose of sensationalism to the whole deal. And they are often looking to put the blame squarely on any one person’s shoulder. The person whom the complaint is against-which most often is the teacher or the school. I am sure, if the teacher in the above incident was asked why she/ he dealt out such an illogical or unwarranted punishment, this is probably the reason they would give you. It is NOT that I support what the school has done, but rather than just blaming the school, I think we should find out solutions so that this this does not happen again.Because after a while, Monali’s memory may fade, but the illogical rules will remain.

We live in confused times. We teach our kids to feel free to make friendships, but worry if they do make friends with the opposite sex; we teach them that they can share everything with us but become judgmental if they do share something which does not belong to our school of thought; we show them movies(and also often watch enthusiastically alongside) of how a couple goes against the world, falls in love and gets married to live happily ever after, but do not allow them the same yardstick to choose their spouse. We still do not discuss sexuality or growing up freely in our households. Instead, we spy on our children and give veiled warnings of what they would face in case of a bad grade or a bad boyfriend or both! Sex education gets a negative connotation, and hence, schools are wary of practicing it. We do not have clear cut reasoning to define why we are enforcing certain rules or the validity of it. Like why girls and boys are made to sit separately in high school or how banning girls from entering college libraries (as in Aligarh Muslim University) will prevent inappropriate behavior and increase grades!

There are hardly any school counselors whom the child can open up to, and most are worried whether discussing their love life with a counselor would actually be wise. Just this morning, an article in ‘The Hindu’, discussed the constraints students face when talking to school counselors. A girl who went to the counselor for sadness due to a fight with her boyfriend was advised by the counselor to concentrate on her studies instead. The irony of this was that, the girl had in the first place consulted the counselor because she was not able to study due to her depression!

In such a scenario, it is but natural that the schools (as in Monali’s case), parents(as in Aarushi Talwar’s case) and children themselves(scores of Monalis who grow up in confusion) over react to situations which are a part of a natural growing phase.

Until and unless  we think of a comprehensive system where we as parents, learn to communicate without inhibitions with our children; teachers and schools first respect and care for their children before becoming judgmental about them; the system and the government realize that any amount of drilling about Indian tradition would not curb hormonal development, movies stop showing unrealistic romanticized versions of teenage life and the media becomes responsible rather than sensational, we may end up losing many more Monalis for no fault of theirs.

Sorry Monali, we owe you bad! Sorry that we as a society, were so confused, that we could not save you! RIP.

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Hustling bustling vacations

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Post the holiday season and resolution making, life has got back to normal. Just a few days into this year, I am already craving and nostalgic for a holiday.

Travel has always been on my ‘most favorite to do’ lists. I have never been a victim of the horrible nausea that  people experience in the name of travel sickness, no queasiness over different kinds of food, ability to tolerate extended durations of ghaas phoos(raw or boiled veggies and greens- the only option available for vegetarians in a lot of countries abroad),no tiredness post travel and an ability to walk miles(a slight exaggeration) if something appeared interesting enough.  And a lot of my growing up years have been spent poring over magazines like National Geographic,Outlook Traveler etc. The most recent additions to the list have been blogs related to travelling ( the Wanderer, Laxmi Sharat’s blog) and various Instagram accounts. Luckily, my family is equally crazy about travelling, though their concept of the whole thing slightly (and I use the word with care)varied from what is shown in TLC and Nat Geo Life Style channels on TV.

Being a part of a large extended joint family,our travel plans almost always involved about a bus load of people of all ages, sizes, shapes and mindsets. The first hurdle was choosing  the place. It needed to be somewhere close but not too much, have something to interest everyone, include a few Indian meals at least and something which would suit everyone’s time frame.

Therefore, all trips involve a hectic pre trip workup, involving last minute renewal of passports, cancellations and additions in the number of passengers,continuous maddening calls to the travel agent to ask about inane things like how many extra beds would go in whose hotel rooms, to herding people together into the bus at the right time so we reach the airport before the plane flies. Somewhat akin to the first scene in the movie ‘Home Alone’. In all seriousness, I think our travel agent takes a break as soon as we board the flight!

This is followed by an activity filled, rushed “been there, done that” kind of a trip where we see everything at break neck speed (because we have to cater to tastes of everyone ranging from age three to seventy five!).

I have been a part of holidays like this since my childhood, so the concept of lazy,ambiance soaking vacations, where you stroll along the ocean hand in hand with your spouse, watch the sunset, go for a long swim impromptu, drink coffee from quaint little coffee shops over a book, discovering hole in the wall shops selling antiques and basically getting the flavor of the place, as is described in travel magazines, were concepts alien to me.

If at all, our holidays were like work outs- in one word, strenuous! You had to be up by six coz you had to share a bathroom and get ready by seven, so that you could stuff yourself up to your nostrils at the breakfast buffet (you see, most foreign tours would give you bed, breakfast and dinner as part of the tour, and you had to rely on yourself for lunch. Well, stuffing yourself was one way of making sure you stay full longer!) In the late 80s and early 90s, you were only allowed to take a limited number of dollars out of the country, and so these had to be stretched to accommodate our food and loads of shopping for all the people we left back home).

Once into the bus, we had the smaller kids often dozing off on long drives(thanks to waking earlier than during school times), to be woken up umpteen number of times whenever we landed at any given photo point.All the couples, bleary eyed kids and the group had to be photographed religiously in front of every monument, as if to assert to the whole wide world that we had been there(and done that)!

Afternoons were spent in the park or in the van, eating bread with a variety of assorted pickles and jams which would appear like magic from huge handbags of mothers and aunts. The drivers and our tour conductors would be our aunties and uncles for the duration of the trip. After visiting every single tourist point and museum, we would crash into bed late at night only to repeat the same next morning!

When I am writing this, the whole thing sounds so exhausting. Growing up, I used to vow to myself that when I plan, things would be different. We would go on trips where we could explore one small nook at a time, at leisure, taste the local cuisine, get to know every small alley of the place that we decided to visit. Somewhat like in ‘Eat, Pray and Love’.

But when when I did grow up and took over the planning, as though genetically, I migrated towards going with huge groups of people, and planned equally hectic trips, alternately whining about the rush and enjoying myself all at once.

Thinking back, travelling in a group was the most fun thing that has happened to me. There are always shared memories and jokes to remember, weird things that happened that would be included as family legends, and a sense of bonding which is difficult to disentangle. We learned to tolerate shortcomings and quirks with grace and grew up with the idea of sharing and caring. When we would go on trips, we would regularly see other groups like the Chinese, Japanese and Gujratis traveling like we did and feel normal.

Though I would not recommend such vacations for the faint hearted, writing this has made me itch for a busy, bustling, frantic vacation all over again!

Are you a helicopter parent?

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Two events that occurred within days of each other provoked this thought.

I had been addressing a gathering of 17 year olds in various methods to curb exam anxiety. Being one of the many who had faced severe exam anxiety during every math exam of my school life, I was vociferously advising the kids not to let their confidence levels dip, and teaching them different ways to relax, when one parent rather hesitatingly approached me and asked me to give him hints about how to make his son feel anxious about the approaching exams. He was worried that the son did not care enough!

Two days down the line, I had parents who had brought their son for counselling. This child who had been a ‘topper’ in his class till class ten, had suddenly on entering college become extraordinarily lax. He did not study despite repeated telling, pleading, begging or scolding! Moreover, he seemed to be interested in everything else apart from what was necessary. On the surface of it, both these seemed to be about children who had different problems and differing personalities as compared to the rest, but on deeper questioning, they were quite similar because they were brought up by helicopter parents.

Helicopter parenting was a term first used by Dr. Hain Ginott in his book ‘Between Parents and teenagers’ in 1969. Though not very common then, it gained prominence enough to be included in the dictionary in 2011! Reams have been written about this since then.This term refers to a method of parenting where we are so concerned about our children’s well being that we do not allow them their lives. Parents who hover around their children, cosseting, protecting, interfering and  helping them in activities that they are well equipped to do.

On first look, reading descriptions of such parents  makes us enter denial mode. We assure ourselves that we do not belong to that category and that we ensure a healthy atmosphere for our child’s upbringing. By which we mean that:

  1. We make sure that we know each and every detail of our child’s routine. (well, it is necessary in such times where crimes are rampant—but an unplanned break of 10 mins in a friend’s house makes us sweat buckets!)
  2. We make sure that our little one’s wish becomes our command. Sometimes even before the wish is expressed. We have to give give them the best of the toys, books, gadgets and clothes..(duh..they need to shine, right? And I have the money!)
  3. We need to be an integral part of every school project(by which we mean that we will personally scour every nook and corner of the city to find the best of stuff, sit up the whole night and put up a model which will definitely score maximum marks for our kid (school grades are important, arent they?)
  4. We believe that our kids are the best in everything they do and air these views to anyone who is willing to listen, and sometimes, even to the unwilling. We literally lobby for them.(Afterall, if we do not acknowledge their achievements, who will? And it is not called praising, it just statement of a fact!)
  5. We try to take every precaution to protect our kids from harm, including using bottled water to wash their hands, allowing them to play only where they wont get dirty and consulting the pediatrician every time the kid sneezes (We are responsible for their health)
  6. We have read all books under the caption of parenting and spout theories like mantras. And our kids have to, just have to abide by those mantras(you see, experts have believed that it is the way to go). We are professional researchers in the making.
  7. We try our best to stand ground during a tantrum, but finally give in to the child’s demands(we are tired after a long day at work, and its just a videogame)
  8. We choose which friend the child can have. Preferred ones are those who score in the top ten. If we do not like a friend, then he has no business to even talk to that person(good peers are essential for a good future)

Well, if this is you in a nut shell, then welcome to the world of helicopter parenting!

This phenomenon probably became visible, because of change in family patterns in the past few decades. Moving away from joint family systems to nuclear ones, restricting the size of the family with a maximum of two or three children, the sudden rise of educational capabilities of parents, also the increase in the financial prowess due to dual earning families, globalization and availability of the internet, misplaced guilt about not caring enough and finally the fact that every parent feels that children are figuratively and literally their biggest assets (they sure would have invested a lot of money and time on them). At the same time, parents who are the anxious type, those who had experienced negligence or abuse in their own childhood,or those with type A personalities complete the spectrum.

To argue contrarily, we read about the abuse that occurs in children, the influence of the media and a bad peer group as well the fact that if unmonitored, children have the ability to go haywire. This allows parents to justify themselves into believing that their helicoptering is doing good to the child. Different cultures also have different methods. Amy Chua’s ‘Tiger mother’ describes how typical Chinese parents consider it a norm for their children to excel!

But the effects of this type of upbringing is almost as devastating as the evils that we are scared of. Children of such parents  grow up to be anxious, lacking in self esteem, depressed, ridiculed by peers and have separation issues. They consider themselves as an extension of their parents often parroting what has been drilled into them rather than think for themselves. It kills creativity and independence. And worst of all, these children feel a sense of entitlement. That they are for the manor born. They expect their parents to do every single thing for them, starting from waking them up, dressing them and reminding them to study! I’m not exaggerating, these kinds do exist like the examples I spoke about in the beginning.

Parenting is something we learn along the way. Parenting manuals help, but ther is no sure fire way of doing the right thing always. I feel that enjoying your child is very important. The more you enjoy your child the more you learn and the more the chilld learns. Listen, play and talk to your child/ren. Sometimes they are right too. Acknowledge that. Set them free, but be watchful. Trust them. Guide them, but let them choose. Let them make mistakes, but help them out of the mess and teach them again. Parenting is hard work, and it never ends, and does not give term end report cards for how you have fared. But, I believe it can be rewarding to see a confident, self assured child exploring things that you never dreamed of. That is definitely an A+.

Five things Indian parents need to teach their kids.

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Recently I was reading an article in “The Week” about snob NRIs who wrinkle their nose in disgust at everything desi and uncouth.I have personally met and endured the whines of a few of that kind. I was wondering how perfectly sensible, apparently intelligent people suddenly change as soon as they land on foreign shores. But as I interact with children of this generation, my son’s friends, my extended family, my patients and students in schools, I have started to feel that the internet generation of kids do have an enormous propensity to end up being snoots of the first order. This alarmed me. I mean, when foreign travel was new, all things American would feel good. But, that was years ago. Now, most amenities available in the West are available to us,school trips offer foreign travel and opportunities to interact with anyone in the whole wide world were aplenty. Then why, why are we producing a generation of superficial, materialistic children??

Children when born, apparently have the ‘tabula rasa’– a ‘blank slate’of mind ,which means that there is no inbuilt mental content. Yes, we are born with certain personality traits which make us individual and unique, but on the whole, we learn through perception and experience. Hence,what we are taught in the first few years of our lives and what we imbibe from it generally forms the foundation of our personality.

And it is here that we, as parents (especially in India) may be making a big mistake. Over the past few years, young India has changed its way of living tremendously.Parents now earn double of their elders wages, at a much younger age. They also have the means to splurge what they earn to their hearts’ content—on weddings, world travel, children’s education, leisure, shopping and much more.This was unthinkable to our parent generation.

In this mega change, somewhere, our children are losing out certain things which can provide them with weapons to handle life with maturity, patience and kindness — Values. To help grow into a sensible adult. Like the proverbial ‘full vessel’ which makes no noise and contains more substance!

Here are a few things which I thought were a list of values which our kids need to imbibe urgently:

  1. The value of hard work: In India, for a middle class family, it is not uncommon to have a cook, a cleaning maid and a driver as a part of a routine house hold. These are even more common in families where both parents work. Hence, kids now have forgotten the art of taking care of themselves. There is a servant hand and foot to answer their every beck and call. I remember those times when we would help out in the kitchen, when kids were supposed to do the dishes, help out with cleaning and be sent out to buy chilli powder in between doing homework! My kids don’t do that, and in the process forget that there is no such thing in the world like a free lunch! No pain, no gain is just a proverb with no meaning. It is now no pain, all gain time. Demands increase and have to be met. New toys have to land in the house as soon as they enter the market. If they do not qualify for a certain course through hard work and good marks, there’s always a capitation seat!This kills a child’s resilience, resolve to work hard and lowers their frustration threshold in adulthood. They are basically unable to handle stress.
  2. The value of giving: “What do I give my friend for his birthday? He has everything!”A strange dilemma if one!The irony here being that our kids are now used to giving things to people who do not need much. And the needy, where are they?Parents of children in a certain school that I know, were upset with the authorities for having taken their kids to an orphanage and an old home. They felt that their kids would be traumatized by the problems they saw. Giving in ways other than monetary, is alien to this generation of kids. As a part of our schooling, I remember going to prison to distribute sweets for raksha bandhan(weird, I know to tie rakhis to prisoners, but, well, it was the spirit that mattered!), singing songs for mentally challenged children on gandhi jayanti and reading out for blind kids when we got the time. And, hand me downs were normal. It would be exciting to wear things that a big sister whom I idolized wore. In this, we learnt sharing, caring and including others in our circle,who were less fortunate. By not teaching our kids this, we are probably making them selfish, self centered and obnoxious adults.
  3. Compassion: I see its lack commonly at the hospital I work. Parents do not want to bring their kids for counseling, because they get scared of seeing mentally ill people! Strange, as I felt that when you see someone in trouble, the first emotion that you should be generating is compassion, not fear. I can see children passing by the ill, the old and frail and maimed beggars without a second glance. Its almost as if they were wearing blinkers.Less sympathy and even lesser acknowledgement! And unless, as parents we teach them to develop compassion and a willingness to help, we are cultivating a generation of potential psychopaths.
  4.  The value of cleanliness: What with ‘Swach Bharat’ and all, cleanliness has finally come to the forefront. Though the state of our roads and neighborhood are cleaner than before, we still have a long way in imbibing the clean culture ourselves and hence teaching it to our kids. We wax eloquent about the cleanliness in Singapore and the US of A, all the while chucking paper and plastic waste out of the car window! Peeing on the road is our birth right (exclusively, the men!). And, we do not allow our children to pick up others’ garbage to chuck in the bin because we worry that they will get dirty! Unless we realize the inclusiveness of being clean, and help keep our selves, homes, neighborhood, roads and cities  clean, we teach our children bad manners and narrow mindedness about caring for only what is ours and neglecting the rest.
  5. Dignity of labor: I am sure anyone who has whatsapp on their smartphone has seen a video of Japanese children and teachers cleaning toilets of the school as part of their curriculum. The basic idea behind this was to teach them that there was no job too low and demeaning. Each job required hard work,sincerity and integrity and was equally important! Unfortunately, our children lack this concept. We, as parents believe that our child’s social status rises based on the paypacket and acceptability of the job. Hence, we teach them look down upon others whose social profile does not match theirs. We want them to score high, so that they can get socially acceptable jobs. In the process, we are giving the world two groups of adults- the first group, who are too full of themselves and have a superiority complex and the second who have an inferiority complex,lose their self esteem and suffer in silence! Both in their own ways, unhealthy.

Parents are important in molding a child’s personality. Unless we imbibe the right values and cultivate it in our children, we may be homegrowing the future snob NRIs who reside in India!

He is different!

preethi shanbhagLeave a comment


“I think the sky is the most highest place,

Which I want to see;

Clouds, birds, aeroplanes so free.

But what if the sky falls?

It may crash to the lands,

Plains, hills, deserts and sands.

Whether it is a disaster or

Something grand?

I don’t know.”

These are part lines of a poem written by one of my clients. The person in question is just 10 years old. The poem is quite profound and poignant at the same time. Why would a boy young as this write about the sky falling, I wonder. Because, it is. For him.

He was brought because he was troublesome in class, quiet at times and very brash otherwise. No one could gauge what he was thinking. Called ‘expressionless’ by some who did not take the trouble to find out why it was so. Shunned by classmates, because he was not boisterous enough. Causing worry to parents because he was not fitting in well. Irritating to teachers because he would switch off in the middle of a class and start staring out the window. Basically a loner. Who stutters and fidgets. But his eyes give him away. They are deep and and look back nonfearingly at me. Why me? Is there something wrong with me, they ask. And the sad answer is no. But there seems to be everything wrong with us!

In these days of intense academic competition, never mind the age of the child, kids who don’t fit into our norm or schedule of ‘study well, play just enough and then pander to your creativity’ are often the butt of our ire.  Although all of us want children who excel in everything (almost), when we do have a child who is creative, gifted and hence different, we do not have a clue of how to handle him/her. We often label them or segregate them into feeling ashamed of their ‘differentness’ (if I can call it that!)

Browsing through a bookstore, I was drawn to a book which was titled ‘Raising your spirited child” written by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The word spirited was  unique and hence led me into reading it. The book aptly describes children who are different by our standards and intense in their reactions as spirited rather than bad, stubborn and exasperating. It also describes different but simple psychological methods as to how to defuse a potential disaster situation when these kids are around. Just the change in label put on the behavior has caused a difference in the way I think of my difficult but creative young clients.

What started as a an interest read, slowly started helping me in parenting my kids better. Whenever children throw tantrums, we immediately become defensive. We feel that our authority is questioned and that the child is oppositionally defiant. But we fail to remember that the child also has a strong mind of its own whose dictates the child tends to obey. And gifted children have a way of thinking which is dependent on their creative urges rather than regular drudgery.

Now,when parents  complain that their child does not listen to them or creates a ruckus when asked to follow and obey, I try and put myself in the child’s shoes. Why? Why would a child want to be bad? Is there some thing troubling him or her? Or is the child upset and unable to express it in a way that we understand? Is there something that the child is hiding? Is the child scared and depressed?(Oh yes, children who are depressed can also throw temper tantrums)Or is the child giving in to his creative urges, hence upset when disturbed?

The way we think usually reflects in the way we behave and hence, surprisingly, this little shift gives massive results. I tried it on my daughter, who may or may not be gifted, but is surely stubborn. Whenever she decides on a particular dress for the day, it is difficult to budge her decision. If I try to, almost always one of us ends up pulling out our hair in exasperation! I tried thinking why she was predisposed to certain kinds of clothes. The color, the texture or public opinion? So the next time we had a disagreement, I decided I would not scream. I pulled her close, hugged her through her tears and told her that it was ok to fight, and loose and then again cheer up. I told her the pros and cons of why we had chosen to make her wear that dress (it was winter, so she is not allowed sleeveless) and asked her if we could give it a try my way tomorrow. Strangely, it worked. It took me half an hour to get through this song and dance, but it was totally worth it. She was happy, I was calmer and felt more in control, though she won. We compromised and she wore a sweater. But next day, there was no ruckus. She wore what was agreed upon and that was it! After this experiment, I started reasoning out with many of my young clients and wonder of wonders, even the most youngest could sort of understand!

We need to understand that one third of our personalities are made up of temaperamental traits which are inborn. We can mold them, but they tend to stubbornly pop up in between. Eg. Distractibility (called hyperactivity by us), persistence(called stubbornness), adaptabilty (called impertinence), sensitivity(dubbed cry babies) etc… As always there are two sides to the same coin. If we understand the child’s temperament and think accordingly, we bring out the positive side of each temperament.. like quick(rather than hyper), diligent(rather than stubborn), very outgoing and social (rather than does not know how to keep his mouth shut) and can understand feelings and empathizes well (rather than cry baby). These lead to better understanding and less pigeonholing! And finally letting them be. If we(parents, teachers and therapists) lend them a helping hand and allow them their quirks, rather than force them to conform, children generally become open to compromise.

Children tend to put up their best front forward if they know that quiet look of appreciation and acceptance in the parents or teachers. A pat of the head, a smile of pride and a hug usually do the trick. Bad behavior also, if understood and accepted with the same level of patience disappears easily. After all, we as kids were also not perfect!

Finally,gifted kids don’t have it easy. They think higher than their peers, appear and may be behave differently and hence are treated differently. If we use and understand their spirit and creativity better, we may have geniuses who can freely express their talent rather than feel so stifled in their school and home environment that they end up in front of a psychiatrist!.